Where There is Nothing as Appropriate as Being Inappropriate
Dogs Personified
I don't mind that people dress their dogs up, but what does chap my ass is when these so-called pet owners put a half-assed effort into dressing up their pet as one of the most recognizable characters from one of the most successful movies of all-time. Next time, you either get a green dog or you spray paint its goddamn face. Any Bob, Jim or Sally can go out and buy a stupid outfit.
The Bait and Switch
What’s more confusing than being awaken by the latest episode of The View and realizing you have a massive erection?
I’ll tell you. Someone interrupting my pleasant slumber with “Wakey, Wakey! Eggs and Bakey.”
Besides the rhyming pattern being completely contrived, it’s delivering a promise that, to my knowledge, has never been fulfilled. When has anyone ever said “Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Bakey” and there was actually eggs and bacon waiting for you? Never. Instead, it’s usually a glass of milk a week past expiration, 2 slices of toast with the texture of plywood, and 6 cold cut slices of beef pastrami. In marketing, we call this the bait and switch. And you know what else is a bait and switch? Going to Vegas, picking up a stripper, and finding out that their oversized clit is a dick. You knew all along it was probably a dude, but it wasn’t until you went downstairs to the kitchen table that you actually found out the cold, hard truth.
But I digress. The next time a loved one wakes me up by saying “Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Bakey” they better be prepared for a joiner’s mallet to smack them right across the head, 18 or 19 times.
Pregnancy Tests
I saw a commercial the other day for a pregnancy test, and they claimed it would be the most advanced piece of technology I would ever pee on. When will the Better Business Bureau crack down on not only misleading, but completely false advertising such as this? I have an extensive to do list of things I’d like to accomplish in my life, and peeing on a wide array of extensively engineered pieces of technologies is certainly a sub-section on said list. Here’s some examples of things that I must pee on before I die, all of which are more advanced than a little meter that would tell me if I’m pregnant or not:
1) A Blu-Ray Player
2) The Geneva Atom-Smasher
3) A Blackberry Bold
4) A Riding Lawn Mower
5) Stephen Hawking
Sexually Empowered Women
Is it just me or are women a lot more sexually empowered these days? I mean, with the whole Sex and the City thing it seems like women aren’t afraid to go after what they want, and it’s kind of put to rest the whole notion that women should be sexually reserved. Which is great, I mean, technically the male population should be getting laid on a more frequent basis, which in turn probably means there will be a lot less girls getting men forced upon them. But, if I was a father this would really bother me. I mean, would you rather have your daughter sleep with a hundred guys, or continue to be your innocent princess and get raped just once? The question practically answers itself.
Take that Bluetooth Headset off of Your Face
You are walking down the street. You are not doing anything that requires the use of your hands. You are more than capable of taking your pinkie finger ringed hand, removing your dumb ass phone from your dumb ass fanny pack and putting it next to your douchebag of a face. Do you really need a Bluetooth headset to tell me how important you are? Are you a secret agent? Do you coach a Big Ten Football team? Have you been assimilated by the Borg? You are a tool. The fact that you look absolutely ridiculous is just the icing on the cake. There is one instance and one instance only that I would put a Bluetooth headset in my ear. If I needed both hands free in order to right, left bitch slap you.
Bluedouche - get it, it is like a play on the word Bluetooth. Hilarious, I know. If that wasn’t David Beckham I probably wouldn’t even have an erection right now.
"Peeing Like A Racehorse"
One thing I have never really understood about urination is the simile “I have to piss like a racehorse.” I just don’t think that the general implication of the statement is applicable to the average man. I suppose if you are a four legged human wearing a saddle, sport a well groomed mane and a 20 inch penis this could be somewhat rational. I have yet to come across the homo sapien that fits into all of these categories. I am a reasonable person. Even if only one of these statements applied to someone I would let it slide. I let my friend Steven get away with saying it because he is occasionally ridden by small men wearing florescent colors. I felt like that was close enough of a comparison to be considered a racehorse. That Steven is Crazy. I just always thought a more appropriate line would be “I have to pee like a human who really has to pee.” I know that I am not about to pee on my hands and knees, in a pasture while being watched closely by other human "racehorses". I would rather be standing up, indoors and in front of a toilet.