A Night with the Toronto Blue Jays
Some friends and I went to the Rod Barajas the other night when a girl from across the room caught my Scott Eyre.
“Bartender, I’d like to buy that girl a drink, and put it on my Pat Tabler” I said.
“I think she might be out of your Brandon League” replied the barkeep.
I knew there would be Matt Stairs to climb, but if I had to, I would be Gustavo Chacin after this girl all night. She received the drink, smiled, and I raised my glass in acknowledgment. She had a friend with her that was a real Curtis Thigpen, so I had to find a wingman that wouldn’t mind taking one for the team.
I walked over and used my Ernie Whitt to break the ice. I was on a Scott Rolen and realized this was easier than taking Candy Maldonado from a baby. A few drinks and a little Al Leiter, we grew Pat Borders of the small chat, so I grabbed my Jimmy Key’s and we went back to her place.
Things started to get real hot and heavy, and I thought she was drunk enough that I could get my Reed Johnson into her AJ Burnett, but that’s when I found out she had the Marco Scutaro’s. Better not be John Olerud to this girl, I’ll just get a BJ Ryan.
When she asked if I could return the favour, I took one look at her Homer Bush and told her there was no way I’d Kevin Mench her. I grew tired of the foreplay and decided I’d just Todd Stottlemyre her. “Not unless you wear a David Cone” she said, and grabbed one from her David Purcey. “Sure” I said “I wouldn’t want to get the Roberto Alomar.”
After two or three minutes, I decided enough was enough and I Kelly Gruber'd Al Oliver.
$700 Billion Bailout Plan: Thank the Milwaukee Brewers.
The world economy was alive and well, thriving in fact, until The Milwaukee Brewers changed their strict one plate per person policy to an all-you-can-eat slugfest. It is rumoured that Brewers Infielder Prince Fielder and Pitcher CC Sabathia ingested a combined $675 billion dollars of food, sending the US economy into a tailspin. Prince Fielder eloquently spoke of the debauchery; “It ain’t our faults we just hungry.” Vice President and Assistant General Manager of Baseball Operations Gord Ash stated “We knew that Prince and CC were verging on unhealthy obesity but had no clue that they could eat the country into what will surely become a depression.” US President George Bush had no choice but to take immediate fiscal action by drawing and passing a $700 billion dollar bailout plan. Questions have been raised as to whether this bailout is in fact for financial giants, or just plain giants.
No news on outfielder Cory Hart’s condition after having an arm chewed off in an attempt to cut in front of Prince in the pastry line.
Chapettes in Sport.
Obviously bitches be crazy, but can we please stop this constant nattering about women being able to compete in men’s professional sport? I am throwing this out there; women are not as good as men at sports. I will bottom line that. Sure Lisa Leslie would kick my ass at basketball but Lebron James would make her look like a finely sculpted 6 ft 5in pile of feces. When it is the best vs. the best there is no comparison. There isn’t even any comparison when it is the best vs. the mediocre.
Some of the greatest steps taken by women in men’s sports: Manon Rhéaume getting slaughtered by the the St.Louis Blues in an NHL exhibition game/publicity stunt, Annika Sorenstam finishing a less than impressive 96th out of 111 at a 2003 PGA event and Nancy Kerrigan getting clubbed in the knee by some random dude in ’94. I guess that last example isn’t really applicable, but it sure is funny as hell. The first slam dunk in a WNBA game was in 2002. The first slam dunk in a NBA game was probably whenever the hell the first NBA game was.
Arnold Schwarzenegger gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in Junior. Men had the common sense to just realize that a man giving birth was just a fluke and let bygones be bygones. Just because men CAN DO IT doesn’t mean they are GOOD AT IT. See the obvious similarities between women playing sports and men giving birth? We don’t force the issue on childbirth, please don’t force it when it comes to sports. Can you hear my laughter from there? It is pretty damn loud.
Los Angeles Kings: Our Target Market is Seniors
Los Angeles, CA: In an effort to increase their abysmal attendance at hockey games, the Los Angeles Kings have decided to go for the fixed income market. They recently promoted the team on “The Price is Right” , a show most popular among senior citizens.
Vice-President of Hockey Operations for the Los Angeles Kings Rob Stevenson had this to say about the marketing promotion: “The fact of the matter is that we’ve failed getting upper class citizens with disposable income, we’ve failed getting the middle-class, and we’ve even failed in grabbing a share of the Mexican or Latino market, so if we can get a few old people to come to the games because we’ve convinced them they’re grandchildren are playing, then that’s what we’ll have to do.”
Drew Carey, new host of the Price is Right, had different thoughts on why the L.A. Kings were on the show. “They just wanted to (bleep) the (bleep) out of Bob’s Beauties…” At which point Rod Roddy interrupted “…In their brand new Toyota Yaris!”
NFL Makes Rap Sheets Mandatory
NEW YORK - With a growing number of players sidelined due to breaches in the NFLs code of personal conduct, the league has taken steps to ensure more players will be able to be on the field.
The newly enforced rule states that in order to have roster eligibility each player must be charged with either one drug related or sexual offence. This rule sends a clear message that clean, straight edged lives will no longer be tolerated. GM’s and owners across the league breathed a collective sigh of relief at being able to finally field full teams of "legitimate" atheletes. Frustration had been building in recent weeks after the 0-2 Miami Dolphins were forced to compete with a roster composed primarily of Florida retirees, the only locals that could be found that met the stringent NFL regulations.
An NFL Players Association spokesman said, "It is important that players in violation of the policy will have the opportunity and the support to change their conduct and earn their way back. The league will supply violaters with the weapons and/or drugs neccessary to become part of the NFL community once again. " He went as far as to state that “drugs, violence, and any other behaviour previously deemed inappropriate will now be accepted and encouraged.” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell added, "It is important that the NFLs rules be representative of the football players, coaches, and staff that it employs.”
Adam “Pacman” Jones celebrated the new code of personal misconduct by stabbing the commissioner with what appeared to be a homemade shiv.